When undergoing changes, an awakening or revolution of the self, we can experience a cognitive dissonance as we dance between the lines of our new found consciousness and our conditioned, default way of relating to ourselves and to the world. We experience moments of euphoria when we connect to the light in shared experiences with others, or in moments alone where we experience ourselves transcend. Without a choice to disconnect from our new source we notice ourselves back in the enactment of our ego state, participating in the world as we used to in limited and habitual ways of thinking, completing meaningless tasks, not being in the moment and falling victim to unhelpful patterns of being. This is where the void often begins as we try to establish ourselves in the pre-existing world and in our Pre-existing relationships as we silently negotiate shifts within ourselves with repeated unsuccessful attempts to cultivate and describe the quality of our experience. This further reinforces doubt; a doubt if what we are experiencing is even happening as we hopelessly search for others to reinforce the path that is only being denied through our own inability to successfully harness it. Then we realise, we realise that the only person who can affirm our experiences is ourselves. Unrealistic and potentially unfair expectations placed on others, diminish and safely fall away as we recognise that we don’t need to explain what we’re witnessing for it to be valid and we do not need to language it in order for it to exist. We then achieve a certainty, a certainty lead from within where we can safely exist in old patterns parallel to thriving in our new found form. There is no judgment towards ourselves in either polarity as we recognise harmony can exist in both; when we successfully integrate the two with the blessing of our own innocence.

My writing begun as I strived to integrate two parts of myself in a single moment in time. For whatever reason this experience grabbed my attention. I didn’t just move through a change I felt as I normally would, I decided to analyse this process of separation and reintegration. I began by recognising the disparity I was experiencing; how I would be a part of conversations full of vitality and filled with infinite possibility before crumbling to the depths of discussions involving judgment and criticism of others. I noticed that this didn’t align with where I wanted to be and how I wanted to carry myself but recognised that this remained to feature in my life. I couldn’t make sense of how I could feel so pure and compassionate and then limit myself to such restricted ways of being and thinking without even noticing my transition. 

I started to witness everything in life in its polarity. I could feel like one person one minute; a liberated being, free from the shackles of anything that wasn’t pure and with a purpose to access only love, practicing life in a way that honoured this mind set, applying myself to yoga, meditation and nourishing my body with health removed from any form of addiction or destruction. Then, I could become stressed over a meaningless prospect, worried about a concept that didn’t exist and behave in ways that did a disservice to myself.

It is natural to look for continuity between our past, present, and future as a way of attempting to orientate ourselves in the world, but humanity is compelled to evolve. We therefore, are forever negotiating this sense of separation. From the self that once was, the self that now is, and the desired self that is becoming, or for some, desperately trying to become. This process of fluidity is natural and necessary, however, it is often corrupted by the unpredictability of life, the weight of unresolved conflict and the fear this creates that we then project into the future. But, the process remains, we will continue to move through the life cycle with the principles of this adaption and separation constantly governing us. It pushes buttons in our inner child when we become stuck in a particular place. It tests relationships as we adjust to changes of the self. It challenges our identity, threatening the integrity of our sense of self as it brings in to question our roles and positions. This, coupled with the unpredictable cycle of life and the events and experiences that are by no means proportionate to our stages of development, reflective of our needs or evidence of our chosen selection- creates undeniable challenges for all.

The process of integration I underwent at this time is an expression of my subjective experience of what It looked like for me but what I feel is constantly happening for all humanity and will continue to happen for us all. Depending where we are on our journey – our level of consciousness or our ability to be self-aware – we are all silently, or perhaps more publicly, undergoing these shifts and negotiating what it means to be something we once were and something we are being supported to become. The aim is not to lose any part of ourselves in the process as no piece of the self has any less value than another. Successful integration means to know ourselves in all our forms but to be mindful enough to recognise what we are ready to let go of and what we are ready to next receive and become. By this view, we will always be in a position somewhere between the two as we are always being pushed and guided to achieve a greater depth of our own truth and certainty. As we resolve pain from the past, we do not loose what has happened to us, it instead becomes transformed to create a beautiful part of the story we can then tell with coherence. Once it makes sense, it no longer hurts, and we are freed to take another step towards our truth. If we can’t make sense of it, we will be held in that space until we can, triggered by events and experiences that are designed to provoke the growth we require. 

I took my next step when I wrote the opening to my blog. I want to invite you to take your next step with me irrespective of how many you have taken before or how many you are willing to go on to take. I believe we can all find a place to rejoice here, celebrating the guidance rooted in our imperfections as the source to achieve our true heights. This process does not take a linear form, so we must be mindful to resist the natural conditioning of our minds. The process remains fluid, stepping forward and back as we fall subject to life’s happenings that do not always appear to reflect the challenge’s we were ready to receive. It’s the underlying understanding and trust in what is happening that will support you to make every part of the process another step forward, by not placing judgement on any time you are pushed or choose to take a step back.